It happens to ....

I hate it when people say, "It happens to a lot of people." Well those words do not make it better, they do not comfort and those words do not help those mourning the loss of a child. I have found that the people who say this when discussing miscarriage or infertility have ZERO experience with either. This phrase is usually used to end the conversation and to dismiss the feelings that I and other couples are experiencing.

Notice I said couples, miscarriage and infertility is not a women's issue, it is a couples issue. In many cases women can find someone to talk to that understands the gravity of their feelings. However, men have a harder time finding someone to talk to about these kinds of issues. I am thankful but sad that David has a friend to talk to about these issues. Thankful because he needs someone to talk with, but sad because this other couple is riding the same emotional roller coaster that we are riding.

Just when I think I am doing better something triggers my emotions. Last night I was watching Army Wives, and you guessed it one of the main characters had a miscarriage. The episode portrayed the feelings of both the man and women in a wonderful way. They acknowledged that a miscarriage was a loss of life that is not only physically painful but emotionally painful for both of the grieving parents.

In one scene the husband said "it happens" the wife Roxy said "its never happened to me before." This type of tragedy is one that we are not prepared for, it is one that in the past has been hush hush and not talked about or acknowledged. It is a shame that so many people have had to face this type of loss alone. It is a further shame that the loss is not recognized by family and friends and that it is something that people think should just be forgotten. Well that is easier said than done. I can not forget the baby that should have been born just a few weeks from now.

Being like Joshua and Caleb

Recently I have been studying Numbers 13 and 14. These two chapters deal with the spies that were sent out in advance of the people of Israel to scout out the land God had promised. When the spies returned to the people to report on the land they reported that indeed the land was good but they would not be able to overtake those who currently laid claim to the land. However, 2 of the men Joshua and Caleb insisted that God was with them and the land could be theirs. Most sermons that I have heard preached on this text focus on "being faithful to God" or "calming God's promises." However this time while reading these passages something else seemed to overpower the previous mentioned themes of the chapters.

In verses 6-9 Joshua and Caleb continue to encourage the people and tell them that God was with them and that the land would be theirs. In verse 10 we learn that the people wanted to stone Joshua and Caleb because they were so insistence that God would deliver the land to the people.

While reading this text I could not help but think-- when was the last time I stood up for God and his promises to the point that people wanted to hurt me? When was the last time I have seen or heard of anyone standing up for God in this way? Lately it seems like the "Church" is too busy being politically correct to take a stand for God. We are becoming so meek that we are not claiming the promises that God has given us as his people. We sit quietly and do not speak the truth when it should be spoken. God did not call us to be a timid people. Many Christians will not speak up or take a stand on any of the hot topics such as abortion, homosexuality and adultery. We clam up and don't say anything for fear of offending others. How about we not worry about offending and worry about souls going to hell.

For some of us when we do speak, we let someone say one or two words and then we back down and won't continue to speak the truth that is found in God's word. Can you imagine being Caleb and Joshua they had courage to stand and proclaim the promises and word of God among people who wanted to stone them for speaking the truth. Here in America what is the worst thing that will happen to you if you stand up and proclaim God? I am sure you won't get stoned.

My prayer today is that I will become more like Caleb and Joshua and that I will be bold in my faith, speech and testimony.

Getting back in the Groove

For about 9 months I was in the groove- I was a coupon shopping saving freak. Then something happened, I guess you can call it life and I relasped back into my old ways of grocery shopping. Which meant shopping with no list, no coupons and just buying whatever I wanted to buy. Of course with the old habits the old dread of grocery shopping, and the shock of the bill at the end of the trip returned.

Now that I am feeling better I decided that I needed to get back into the groove and start saving money again on my weekly shopping trips. Today my bill totaled $167.45, after coupons and store specials I paid $56.25. Not a bad start to my getting back in the groove.

My best deals today were:

Dial soap at .33 per bar.

Nivea Body Wash FREE

Betty Crocker Potatoes for .29 per box

Halls Cough Drops for .52 per bag

Pray for Revolution Church

Yesterday I posted something on Facebook that was not positive about a relationship being damaged because the other person is uncaring and rude and does not think about my feelings only their selfishness. The very first person to call me out was my Youth Leader. She wanted to make sure that I was not just venting on Facebook and that I had done as the Bible had instructed. While I had done as instructed in the Bible it was great to know that my youth leader of the past still cared about me and only wants the best for me. Here I am a grown up with grown up problems and the people in my life that still help me are the leaders from my youth. I went to a small church, we had all of 12 or 13 youth group members. Today most of us are still friends, we communicate and share our lives and our youth leaders are still here to help guide us through what life throws at us even after all these years. Thank you Tom and Karen for being there then and still being here now, thank you for answering that call so long ago.

After direct messaging with Karen for a while before church and getting my head back on straight I went to church. On the way to church I was mourning over the fact that my son does not have the support of a Youth Leader. Everyone who knows me knows, my church has been through a lot this past year and we are starting to get back on track which is great.

The topic of the sermon was "Relational Roots" the text was from Acts chapter 2. We all need not only Sunday morning church but we need to build relationships with others in the church and have time with each other more often then once a week.

I am posting this asking that my friends, family and all who read this to pray for my church as we take the next steps in helping our members establish roots. Yesterday, cards were passed out asking for people to sign up if they were interested in helping in anyway with small groups. Pray that the right people, the people that God wants will step up and serve in some way with our small groups.

I am not sure what the youth will look like in the coming months- will they have small groups, or a large group or some of both. Pray for our church staff as they continue to work out these issues along with other issues in the church. Pray that Godly good people will hear and respond to the call to step up and help in the lives of the youth of Revolution Church.

Adoption and Love

Throughout our adoption journey we had people warn us in very concerned tones that we could never love an adopted child like our own. People told us that it just would not be the same, and that we should be prepared to not feel the same for an adopted child as we did for our biological child. These comments hurt especially when coming from close family and friends. Comments like these made me question if our family would embrace an "outsider" into the family, would our friends embrace an "outsider" into our circle. Could they love my adopted child like they love my biological child?

David and I had many discussions about this and the seeds of fear that people had planted in our hearts and minds. Could we love an adopted child like we love Caleb? The answer is absolutely YES.

When I first laid eyes on Madilyn in the hotel lobby, my heart swelled with love for her. When I took her out of the car seat and held her for the first time I exploded with love for her. People have said that "couples have a 9 month bond with a baby when it is born, you won't have that bond." You know what they were right David and I did not have a 9 month bond with Madilyn, we had something greater. While Madilyn did not grow in my womb for 9 months, she grew in our hearts for over 3 years. We loved her and prayed for her for years before she was even being formed.

God prepared our hearts to love her with a love that is just like the love that I have for Caleb. I did not have to "grow" to love her it did not take time for that love and bond to form. The love was there before I boarded the plane to go and meet her for the first time. The love was there while we waited ALL DAY long for the adoption agency to bring her to us. The love was there at 11:30 at night when I had given up seeing her that day and was getting ready for bed. The love was there when the phone rang at 11:35 pm telling us they would be there in 10 minutes. The love was there when I saw the social worker with the car seat at 11:45 pm. The love was there when I saw her face for the first time and the love was there when I held her in my arms for the first time. I know many other adoptive parents who feel the same way.

Those of you who have not adopted and know someone who is going through the process please don't plant seeds of doubt in their hearts and minds by questioning the love they will or will not have for the child. Pray for them and their soon to be addition, your attitudes toward this topic will go a long way in helping the love between the adoptive parent and child grow even before they meet.

How to grow grass...

Plant a garden and grass will grow.

For three years David and I have tried to get grass to grow in our back yard. For three years all we have had grow is weeds. So when we planted a garden I knew we would have weeds growing and maybe some vegetables, I never expected my garden patch to be over run with grass. I have spent hours picking the grass out of the garden area. All of my vegetables are growing except for the peppers so there is hope if we can get the grass under control.

Any ideas???

Hilton Head Vacation- Recap

May is a busy time for us with David's birthday, our anniversary and Mother's Day all in one week. We thought what better time to take time to spend with the family so we decided to head to Hilton Head. We left Thursday afternoon and returned on Monday. We decided to stay at the Hilton Head Marriott Resort which turned out to be a good choice.

The weather was perfect, not too hot with just enough of a breeze to make for perfect beach days. The hotel had a great breakfast bar with made to order omelets and waffles, so we ended up eating there every morning. After breakfast each day we took a nice long walk on the beach. Madilyn is not really a "ocean lover" yet so we spent most of our mornings and afternoons pool side instead of at the beach.

We did leave the resort one day to go play mini golf. It was Madilyn's first time and she was a trip. She was so cute to watch. She would try to hit the ball a few times, and then she would pick it up and drop the ball in the hole and clap for herself.

I know this will sound bad, but the part I liked best about the vacation was the dates David and I got to take each night. I love my kids, but sometimes we get so busy with the kids that we neglect us. So often our days revolve around the kids, so it was nice to have some time to focus on us.

Each evening after Madilyn went to sleep David and I were able to leave Caleb to watch her so that we could go on a short date. One night it was a walk on the beach, another it was just sitting out on the pool deck looking at the stars, one night we took a dip in the hot tub and on another we went to the hotel bar and ordered drinks and dessert. It was just nice to be able spend some time relaxing and reconnecting.

We all enjoyed being able to spend time together having fun and doing nothing.

19 Years and Counting

So this post is a little late, but I was out of town enjoying my family. However, I still wanted to write out my thoughts on this matter.

As of May 8, 2010 David and I have been married 19 years. It is hard for me to believe that I have now been married 1/2 of my life. When we married in 1991 most people including our family and friends did not think that we would last. I am sure that behind closed doors people were taking bets on how long we would last and grieving over our decision to ruin our lives.

David and I met in August of 1990. I had just turned 18 and was a Freshman at Lee University. David was 20 and a Junior. We had only known each other for about four weeks when my life got turned upside down and I left Lee. We were in a crazy kind of young love relationship. At the time computers were not common place and neither were cell phones. So we had to keep in touch the good old fashion way-- Handwritten, mailed letters, I still have all of the letters that we exchanged during this time period.

In January of 1991 I returned to Lee and we were married in May after our final exams. We had only known each other for 9 months and half of that time we were not even together in person. I think we got to know each other so well because we were forced to communicate through our writing.

We have had a great 19 years and I look forward to many more years with him. We have had our share of heartbreak and trials, but all in all we have been happy.

Our Mile Stones

• 1991- Eloped at the county courthouse in Cleveland, TN. Only 2 of our friends believed we were actually getting married and showed up at the appointed time.
• 1993- David graduated from college and landed his first programming job.
• 1995- Donna graduated from college and began working at the college.
• 1996- After trying for 3 years to have a baby and using fertility drugs Caleb is born in June. We moved to GA when I was 7 months pregnant because David was offered a better job.
• Late 1996- I got my first teaching job, but it was in TN. We lived apart for the year, with me traveling home most weekends. On the weekends I could not come home David came to TN to see us. It was a challenge but we made it work. I think our family thought we were having problems, but we were not. David and I just decided that it was alright for me to chase my dream of being a teacher.
• 1997- Got my second teaching job in Kennesaw, GA
• 1999- We bought our first home.
• 2000-2004 Not very eventful.
• 2005- Started the foster to adopt process with the state of GA
• 2007- Sold our home and bought a new home in Canton, GA.
• Late 2007- with no prospects for adoption we stopped foster to adopt and found a private adoption agency.
• Late 2008- Madilyn came home to us.
• 2009- Adoption Finalized, Donna Graduates College again, re-enrolls in college again, miscarriage and David lost his new business venture to a fire.
• 2010- Our struggles continue but we are stronger as a couple and look forward to many more adventures.

What does year 20 hold for us?

Giving Birth does not = being a mother

I will say this and probably offend everyone who reads it, but here it is as plain as I can say it:

Giving birth does NOT make you a mother, it takes more than spreading your legs and becoming pregnant to be a mother.

I get so annoyed when people say things like, "your mom deserves your love because she gave you birth." So do I not deserve Madilyn's love because I did not give birth to her? Why exactly should the process of birth grant a person unconditional love?

For the record I think that people should have to pass a series of tests before becoming parents, some people just don't need to have children. While doing foster care I saw the results of horrific abuse. David and I were more parental and loving to the children in our care than their parents ever were. Should these abusers who gave these children birth receive love just because they gave the child life? I don't think so.

I also hate comments like "Do you know her REAL mother?" Yes, I am her real mother. Do I look fake to you?

These comments are like a slap in the face because I could not give her life but I do currently give her a life. The woman who gave her life is NOT her mother, I am. She chose not to be a mother and I choose to love and care for a child that was not wanted by her so-called "mother".

A mother does not expose you to abuse prior to birth, try to sell you and then try to blackmail the people who are trying to be your family. A mother loves you and cares for you no matter what. I would hope that my child loves me even if I did not give birth to her. I would hope that when Madilyn learns of her life story that she will know that I am her mom and I chose her and she was not forced upon me like most other children are forced upon their parents.

So what should we call them?

The language of the world of adoption is a politically correct whirlpool that is hard to muddle through. Everyone has their own opinions of what each member of the adoption triad should be called. Birth parent is one of the most accepted terms in the world of adoption and one of the terms that I really CANNOT stand. The term is not one that can be monopolized and used only when speaking about adoption.

In the adoption world the term “birth parent” is used to describe a person who has given life to a child and then willingly relinquished or unwillingly had that child removed from their custody. However, in the world outside of adoption “birth parent” refers to ALL who have contributed to creating the life of a child. So in the world of adoption I am not a birth parent, but in the world outside of adoption I am a birth parent.

On adoption boards and other media when people are talking about the children in their lives, they give them a label. Adopted children are called adopted and birth children that are being raised by their natural parents are called biological. Many of the birth parents that participate in the adoption forums get really offended if adoptive parents refer to a child as “my birth child”, when that child was not placed for adoption. People who have placed children for adoption go nuts, complaining that the poster has “MISUSED” the term birth child are devaluing the process in which they have gone through by mislabeling the child as being a birth child and not a biological child. The fact is that the child is both, one parent just choose to raise the child while the other either gave up their rights of lost their rights to raise the child.

The terms MEAN the same thing. So why does it matter? Those who have placed their children for adoption need to realize that the term birth parent also applies to others outside of adoption.

Happy Birthday David- I'm a horrible wife=(

Happy Birthday David-

David turned 40 today. For his birthday I had a meltdown. I have been trying so hard to be strong and not be emotional during the past several days.

I had been symptom free since my surgery. Well about 4 days ago most of my pre-surgery symptoms returned. I once again experiencing nausea most of the day, I have horrible pelvic pain and I just want to scratch all of the skin off of my body. I have been miserable for days and I have had enough. Actually I have been miserable for months, and I am just fed up with it. I am really having a hard time with all of this. Why can I just not get better and stay better. Why do I have to continue to suffer? What good can come out of all of this?

I feel like a horrible wife, because I had a meltdown on David’s birthday. It was to be his day, and all I could do was cry and be upset about what is going on with me. Of course, I think that anyone else who has had these symptoms for 6 months would be just as likely to melt down once in a while. I am to the point of wanting to just crawl in bed and never get up again. When can I be normal again? Why in the world did this surgery NOT work for me? Why did I have to be the 1 in 4 that it does not work on? This really sucks. But what sucks more is that I could not wait a few days to have a meltdown.

Mother's Day and Adoption

As an adoptive parent I follow many blogs, forums and other media to keep up to date on laws and trends in adoption. Every year I get so aggravated at the post that come out around mothers day. The post usually start out something like this: "what are you getting your child's bmom for Mothers Day?" or "Should I or should I not get the bmom of my adopted child a Mother's Day card?' These post drive me insane. Every adoption on the face of the planet is unique so only YOU- the parents of the children in question can answer those questions. What works for my family may or may not work for your family.

When people ask me directly if I plan to do anything for Madilyn's bparents the answer is "No!"

I am Madilyn's mother. No I did not give birth to her, but I am legally and emotionally her mother. Just as David is legally and emotionally her father. Some birth parents (HATE THIS TERM BUT IT IS FOR ANOTHER POST) and others who have adopted immediately assume that I am threatened by a relationship with the biological parents. No I do not feel threatened by a relationship with them. It is simple- they had a baby, they did not want another baby, they placed the baby for adoption. We wanted a baby, we could not have another baby, so we adopted. When the bio parents signed the paperwork, they gave up all rights to be parents to Madilyn, this in my mind includes recognition on Mother's and Father's Day. When David and I signed the paperwork we took on all of the responsibilities of being her parents and we earn the right to be called Mom and Dad, everyday by loving her and taking care of her emotional and physical needs.

I understand that many couples are in Open Adoptions, and they have open relationships with the birth parents of their children. Well that is great for you. However, that is not possible in our situation- there are many untold reasons why. Some people view my thoughts on this as "cold or uncaring." I don't think they are cold or uncaring. I just need to do what is best for Maidlyn, and at this point a relationship with her bmom is not in her best interest or in the best interest of my family. Madilyn only needs 1 mother and 1 father, and that is what she has.

Ed.S- 1 Semester Down

Thursday night I completed my 1st semester in the Educational Leadership Ed.S Program at KSU. It has been a very hard semester so I am glad that it is over. I did receive A's in both classes and my first 6 credits toward the degree. At times it was a struggle just to make it to class much less finish assignments and research for papers.

I think that this semester was so hard because I was still and still am in some ways dealing with the miscarriage and continued health issues since the miscarriage. College professors won't take the excuse that I just needed to curl up in bed and cry as an reason for not coming to class so I had to push through the emotions and do what needed to be done.

I have a month off before the summer semester starts. I plan on spending my extra time with family. The summer will be long and hard with my goal of completing 9 credit hours in 8 weeks.