New Blog Design and Site

I have out grown the capabilities of Blogger. I wanted a custom blog so I had a friend, Greg Sykes, design a new layout for me, which has now been programmed by my husband, David of Lloydhome.com

Check out the new site at www.donnalloyd.net

All data from this site has been transfered to the new site.

Savings this week

My weekly grocery shopping trip helped to restock the pantry. We were running low on several items so I was glad to see sales on cereal and pasta. My total grocery bill came in at $232.52 however after coupons and buy on get one deals I only paid $56.75. Not too shabby. We needed a few items that I did not have coupons for so those pushed my total up a little bit.

The buys of the week included:

• Smuckers Jelly for .89 per jar after coupons
• 6 Boxes of cereal for less than $1.00 per box after coupons and BOGO
• Muller's Pasta .25 per box after coupons and BOGO

I love saving money when I shop for the family food items. Every dollar I save is a dollar we can use toward other items.

First Fruits

Tonight with our dinner we had a salad that included some of the first fruits from our garden-- radishes. Caleb and Madilyn did not like the taste of them. I thought they tasted fine, I am not sure what David thought.

In a week or so we should have lettuce ready to eat along with tomatoes maybe those will go over better with the kids.

We just about have the grass that took over under control, it has been a long hard process. For the most part the plants in the garden are looking healthy.

Longest episode ever....

I feel like I am in the longest episode ever of the television show "House." The doctors can not determine what is wrong with me. Test come back negative and symptoms do not indicate any known illness. Medications and surgical procedures seem to help, but then within a few weeks all of the symptoms reappear. I have been repeating the same cycle since November and quite frankly I am tired and worn out.

This weekend my body ached with pain. As I vomited, convulsed and experienced other pain I thought I would die. At one point I was crying out in pain hoping that my children would not hear me. I have no idea how to explain to them what is wrong. The pain I have had during the past few days is the worst I have ever experienced.

I think all of this would be easier if the doctors could say you have "xyz disease" or you have "xyz cancer." If I could get a diagnosis I would know what I am up against and treatment could begin. Right now it is just more inconclusive test and unexplained symptoms.

Later today I am going to a new doctor to have all new test run and hope that the results will help the doctors determine a course of treatment that will allow my body to heal.

It happens to ....

I hate it when people say, "It happens to a lot of people." Well those words do not make it better, they do not comfort and those words do not help those mourning the loss of a child. I have found that the people who say this when discussing miscarriage or infertility have ZERO experience with either. This phrase is usually used to end the conversation and to dismiss the feelings that I and other couples are experiencing.

Notice I said couples, miscarriage and infertility is not a women's issue, it is a couples issue. In many cases women can find someone to talk to that understands the gravity of their feelings. However, men have a harder time finding someone to talk to about these kinds of issues. I am thankful but sad that David has a friend to talk to about these issues. Thankful because he needs someone to talk with, but sad because this other couple is riding the same emotional roller coaster that we are riding.

Just when I think I am doing better something triggers my emotions. Last night I was watching Army Wives, and you guessed it one of the main characters had a miscarriage. The episode portrayed the feelings of both the man and women in a wonderful way. They acknowledged that a miscarriage was a loss of life that is not only physically painful but emotionally painful for both of the grieving parents.

In one scene the husband said "it happens" the wife Roxy said "its never happened to me before." This type of tragedy is one that we are not prepared for, it is one that in the past has been hush hush and not talked about or acknowledged. It is a shame that so many people have had to face this type of loss alone. It is a further shame that the loss is not recognized by family and friends and that it is something that people think should just be forgotten. Well that is easier said than done. I can not forget the baby that should have been born just a few weeks from now.

Being like Joshua and Caleb

Recently I have been studying Numbers 13 and 14. These two chapters deal with the spies that were sent out in advance of the people of Israel to scout out the land God had promised. When the spies returned to the people to report on the land they reported that indeed the land was good but they would not be able to overtake those who currently laid claim to the land. However, 2 of the men Joshua and Caleb insisted that God was with them and the land could be theirs. Most sermons that I have heard preached on this text focus on "being faithful to God" or "calming God's promises." However this time while reading these passages something else seemed to overpower the previous mentioned themes of the chapters.

In verses 6-9 Joshua and Caleb continue to encourage the people and tell them that God was with them and that the land would be theirs. In verse 10 we learn that the people wanted to stone Joshua and Caleb because they were so insistence that God would deliver the land to the people.

While reading this text I could not help but think-- when was the last time I stood up for God and his promises to the point that people wanted to hurt me? When was the last time I have seen or heard of anyone standing up for God in this way? Lately it seems like the "Church" is too busy being politically correct to take a stand for God. We are becoming so meek that we are not claiming the promises that God has given us as his people. We sit quietly and do not speak the truth when it should be spoken. God did not call us to be a timid people. Many Christians will not speak up or take a stand on any of the hot topics such as abortion, homosexuality and adultery. We clam up and don't say anything for fear of offending others. How about we not worry about offending and worry about souls going to hell.

For some of us when we do speak, we let someone say one or two words and then we back down and won't continue to speak the truth that is found in God's word. Can you imagine being Caleb and Joshua they had courage to stand and proclaim the promises and word of God among people who wanted to stone them for speaking the truth. Here in America what is the worst thing that will happen to you if you stand up and proclaim God? I am sure you won't get stoned.

My prayer today is that I will become more like Caleb and Joshua and that I will be bold in my faith, speech and testimony.

Getting back in the Groove

For about 9 months I was in the groove- I was a coupon shopping saving freak. Then something happened, I guess you can call it life and I relasped back into my old ways of grocery shopping. Which meant shopping with no list, no coupons and just buying whatever I wanted to buy. Of course with the old habits the old dread of grocery shopping, and the shock of the bill at the end of the trip returned.

Now that I am feeling better I decided that I needed to get back into the groove and start saving money again on my weekly shopping trips. Today my bill totaled $167.45, after coupons and store specials I paid $56.25. Not a bad start to my getting back in the groove.

My best deals today were:

Dial soap at .33 per bar.

Nivea Body Wash FREE

Betty Crocker Potatoes for .29 per box

Halls Cough Drops for .52 per bag

Pray for Revolution Church

Yesterday I posted something on Facebook that was not positive about a relationship being damaged because the other person is uncaring and rude and does not think about my feelings only their selfishness. The very first person to call me out was my Youth Leader. She wanted to make sure that I was not just venting on Facebook and that I had done as the Bible had instructed. While I had done as instructed in the Bible it was great to know that my youth leader of the past still cared about me and only wants the best for me. Here I am a grown up with grown up problems and the people in my life that still help me are the leaders from my youth. I went to a small church, we had all of 12 or 13 youth group members. Today most of us are still friends, we communicate and share our lives and our youth leaders are still here to help guide us through what life throws at us even after all these years. Thank you Tom and Karen for being there then and still being here now, thank you for answering that call so long ago.

After direct messaging with Karen for a while before church and getting my head back on straight I went to church. On the way to church I was mourning over the fact that my son does not have the support of a Youth Leader. Everyone who knows me knows, my church has been through a lot this past year and we are starting to get back on track which is great.

The topic of the sermon was "Relational Roots" the text was from Acts chapter 2. We all need not only Sunday morning church but we need to build relationships with others in the church and have time with each other more often then once a week.

I am posting this asking that my friends, family and all who read this to pray for my church as we take the next steps in helping our members establish roots. Yesterday, cards were passed out asking for people to sign up if they were interested in helping in anyway with small groups. Pray that the right people, the people that God wants will step up and serve in some way with our small groups.

I am not sure what the youth will look like in the coming months- will they have small groups, or a large group or some of both. Pray for our church staff as they continue to work out these issues along with other issues in the church. Pray that Godly good people will hear and respond to the call to step up and help in the lives of the youth of Revolution Church.

Adoption and Love

Throughout our adoption journey we had people warn us in very concerned tones that we could never love an adopted child like our own. People told us that it just would not be the same, and that we should be prepared to not feel the same for an adopted child as we did for our biological child. These comments hurt especially when coming from close family and friends. Comments like these made me question if our family would embrace an "outsider" into the family, would our friends embrace an "outsider" into our circle. Could they love my adopted child like they love my biological child?

David and I had many discussions about this and the seeds of fear that people had planted in our hearts and minds. Could we love an adopted child like we love Caleb? The answer is absolutely YES.

When I first laid eyes on Madilyn in the hotel lobby, my heart swelled with love for her. When I took her out of the car seat and held her for the first time I exploded with love for her. People have said that "couples have a 9 month bond with a baby when it is born, you won't have that bond." You know what they were right David and I did not have a 9 month bond with Madilyn, we had something greater. While Madilyn did not grow in my womb for 9 months, she grew in our hearts for over 3 years. We loved her and prayed for her for years before she was even being formed.

God prepared our hearts to love her with a love that is just like the love that I have for Caleb. I did not have to "grow" to love her it did not take time for that love and bond to form. The love was there before I boarded the plane to go and meet her for the first time. The love was there while we waited ALL DAY long for the adoption agency to bring her to us. The love was there at 11:30 at night when I had given up seeing her that day and was getting ready for bed. The love was there when the phone rang at 11:35 pm telling us they would be there in 10 minutes. The love was there when I saw the social worker with the car seat at 11:45 pm. The love was there when I saw her face for the first time and the love was there when I held her in my arms for the first time. I know many other adoptive parents who feel the same way.

Those of you who have not adopted and know someone who is going through the process please don't plant seeds of doubt in their hearts and minds by questioning the love they will or will not have for the child. Pray for them and their soon to be addition, your attitudes toward this topic will go a long way in helping the love between the adoptive parent and child grow even before they meet.

How to grow grass...

Plant a garden and grass will grow.

For three years David and I have tried to get grass to grow in our back yard. For three years all we have had grow is weeds. So when we planted a garden I knew we would have weeds growing and maybe some vegetables, I never expected my garden patch to be over run with grass. I have spent hours picking the grass out of the garden area. All of my vegetables are growing except for the peppers so there is hope if we can get the grass under control.

Any ideas???

Hilton Head Vacation- Recap

May is a busy time for us with David's birthday, our anniversary and Mother's Day all in one week. We thought what better time to take time to spend with the family so we decided to head to Hilton Head. We left Thursday afternoon and returned on Monday. We decided to stay at the Hilton Head Marriott Resort which turned out to be a good choice.

The weather was perfect, not too hot with just enough of a breeze to make for perfect beach days. The hotel had a great breakfast bar with made to order omelets and waffles, so we ended up eating there every morning. After breakfast each day we took a nice long walk on the beach. Madilyn is not really a "ocean lover" yet so we spent most of our mornings and afternoons pool side instead of at the beach.

We did leave the resort one day to go play mini golf. It was Madilyn's first time and she was a trip. She was so cute to watch. She would try to hit the ball a few times, and then she would pick it up and drop the ball in the hole and clap for herself.

I know this will sound bad, but the part I liked best about the vacation was the dates David and I got to take each night. I love my kids, but sometimes we get so busy with the kids that we neglect us. So often our days revolve around the kids, so it was nice to have some time to focus on us.

Each evening after Madilyn went to sleep David and I were able to leave Caleb to watch her so that we could go on a short date. One night it was a walk on the beach, another it was just sitting out on the pool deck looking at the stars, one night we took a dip in the hot tub and on another we went to the hotel bar and ordered drinks and dessert. It was just nice to be able spend some time relaxing and reconnecting.

We all enjoyed being able to spend time together having fun and doing nothing.

19 Years and Counting

So this post is a little late, but I was out of town enjoying my family. However, I still wanted to write out my thoughts on this matter.

As of May 8, 2010 David and I have been married 19 years. It is hard for me to believe that I have now been married 1/2 of my life. When we married in 1991 most people including our family and friends did not think that we would last. I am sure that behind closed doors people were taking bets on how long we would last and grieving over our decision to ruin our lives.

David and I met in August of 1990. I had just turned 18 and was a Freshman at Lee University. David was 20 and a Junior. We had only known each other for about four weeks when my life got turned upside down and I left Lee. We were in a crazy kind of young love relationship. At the time computers were not common place and neither were cell phones. So we had to keep in touch the good old fashion way-- Handwritten, mailed letters, I still have all of the letters that we exchanged during this time period.

In January of 1991 I returned to Lee and we were married in May after our final exams. We had only known each other for 9 months and half of that time we were not even together in person. I think we got to know each other so well because we were forced to communicate through our writing.

We have had a great 19 years and I look forward to many more years with him. We have had our share of heartbreak and trials, but all in all we have been happy.

Our Mile Stones

• 1991- Eloped at the county courthouse in Cleveland, TN. Only 2 of our friends believed we were actually getting married and showed up at the appointed time.
• 1993- David graduated from college and landed his first programming job.
• 1995- Donna graduated from college and began working at the college.
• 1996- After trying for 3 years to have a baby and using fertility drugs Caleb is born in June. We moved to GA when I was 7 months pregnant because David was offered a better job.
• Late 1996- I got my first teaching job, but it was in TN. We lived apart for the year, with me traveling home most weekends. On the weekends I could not come home David came to TN to see us. It was a challenge but we made it work. I think our family thought we were having problems, but we were not. David and I just decided that it was alright for me to chase my dream of being a teacher.
• 1997- Got my second teaching job in Kennesaw, GA
• 1999- We bought our first home.
• 2000-2004 Not very eventful.
• 2005- Started the foster to adopt process with the state of GA
• 2007- Sold our home and bought a new home in Canton, GA.
• Late 2007- with no prospects for adoption we stopped foster to adopt and found a private adoption agency.
• Late 2008- Madilyn came home to us.
• 2009- Adoption Finalized, Donna Graduates College again, re-enrolls in college again, miscarriage and David lost his new business venture to a fire.
• 2010- Our struggles continue but we are stronger as a couple and look forward to many more adventures.

What does year 20 hold for us?

Giving Birth does not = being a mother

I will say this and probably offend everyone who reads it, but here it is as plain as I can say it:

Giving birth does NOT make you a mother, it takes more than spreading your legs and becoming pregnant to be a mother.

I get so annoyed when people say things like, "your mom deserves your love because she gave you birth." So do I not deserve Madilyn's love because I did not give birth to her? Why exactly should the process of birth grant a person unconditional love?

For the record I think that people should have to pass a series of tests before becoming parents, some people just don't need to have children. While doing foster care I saw the results of horrific abuse. David and I were more parental and loving to the children in our care than their parents ever were. Should these abusers who gave these children birth receive love just because they gave the child life? I don't think so.

I also hate comments like "Do you know her REAL mother?" Yes, I am her real mother. Do I look fake to you?

These comments are like a slap in the face because I could not give her life but I do currently give her a life. The woman who gave her life is NOT her mother, I am. She chose not to be a mother and I choose to love and care for a child that was not wanted by her so-called "mother".

A mother does not expose you to abuse prior to birth, try to sell you and then try to blackmail the people who are trying to be your family. A mother loves you and cares for you no matter what. I would hope that my child loves me even if I did not give birth to her. I would hope that when Madilyn learns of her life story that she will know that I am her mom and I chose her and she was not forced upon me like most other children are forced upon their parents.

So what should we call them?

The language of the world of adoption is a politically correct whirlpool that is hard to muddle through. Everyone has their own opinions of what each member of the adoption triad should be called. Birth parent is one of the most accepted terms in the world of adoption and one of the terms that I really CANNOT stand. The term is not one that can be monopolized and used only when speaking about adoption.

In the adoption world the term “birth parent” is used to describe a person who has given life to a child and then willingly relinquished or unwillingly had that child removed from their custody. However, in the world outside of adoption “birth parent” refers to ALL who have contributed to creating the life of a child. So in the world of adoption I am not a birth parent, but in the world outside of adoption I am a birth parent.

On adoption boards and other media when people are talking about the children in their lives, they give them a label. Adopted children are called adopted and birth children that are being raised by their natural parents are called biological. Many of the birth parents that participate in the adoption forums get really offended if adoptive parents refer to a child as “my birth child”, when that child was not placed for adoption. People who have placed children for adoption go nuts, complaining that the poster has “MISUSED” the term birth child are devaluing the process in which they have gone through by mislabeling the child as being a birth child and not a biological child. The fact is that the child is both, one parent just choose to raise the child while the other either gave up their rights of lost their rights to raise the child.

The terms MEAN the same thing. So why does it matter? Those who have placed their children for adoption need to realize that the term birth parent also applies to others outside of adoption.

Happy Birthday David- I'm a horrible wife=(

Happy Birthday David-

David turned 40 today. For his birthday I had a meltdown. I have been trying so hard to be strong and not be emotional during the past several days.

I had been symptom free since my surgery. Well about 4 days ago most of my pre-surgery symptoms returned. I once again experiencing nausea most of the day, I have horrible pelvic pain and I just want to scratch all of the skin off of my body. I have been miserable for days and I have had enough. Actually I have been miserable for months, and I am just fed up with it. I am really having a hard time with all of this. Why can I just not get better and stay better. Why do I have to continue to suffer? What good can come out of all of this?

I feel like a horrible wife, because I had a meltdown on David’s birthday. It was to be his day, and all I could do was cry and be upset about what is going on with me. Of course, I think that anyone else who has had these symptoms for 6 months would be just as likely to melt down once in a while. I am to the point of wanting to just crawl in bed and never get up again. When can I be normal again? Why in the world did this surgery NOT work for me? Why did I have to be the 1 in 4 that it does not work on? This really sucks. But what sucks more is that I could not wait a few days to have a meltdown.

Mother's Day and Adoption

As an adoptive parent I follow many blogs, forums and other media to keep up to date on laws and trends in adoption. Every year I get so aggravated at the post that come out around mothers day. The post usually start out something like this: "what are you getting your child's bmom for Mothers Day?" or "Should I or should I not get the bmom of my adopted child a Mother's Day card?' These post drive me insane. Every adoption on the face of the planet is unique so only YOU- the parents of the children in question can answer those questions. What works for my family may or may not work for your family.

When people ask me directly if I plan to do anything for Madilyn's bparents the answer is "No!"

I am Madilyn's mother. No I did not give birth to her, but I am legally and emotionally her mother. Just as David is legally and emotionally her father. Some birth parents (HATE THIS TERM BUT IT IS FOR ANOTHER POST) and others who have adopted immediately assume that I am threatened by a relationship with the biological parents. No I do not feel threatened by a relationship with them. It is simple- they had a baby, they did not want another baby, they placed the baby for adoption. We wanted a baby, we could not have another baby, so we adopted. When the bio parents signed the paperwork, they gave up all rights to be parents to Madilyn, this in my mind includes recognition on Mother's and Father's Day. When David and I signed the paperwork we took on all of the responsibilities of being her parents and we earn the right to be called Mom and Dad, everyday by loving her and taking care of her emotional and physical needs.

I understand that many couples are in Open Adoptions, and they have open relationships with the birth parents of their children. Well that is great for you. However, that is not possible in our situation- there are many untold reasons why. Some people view my thoughts on this as "cold or uncaring." I don't think they are cold or uncaring. I just need to do what is best for Maidlyn, and at this point a relationship with her bmom is not in her best interest or in the best interest of my family. Madilyn only needs 1 mother and 1 father, and that is what she has.

Ed.S- 1 Semester Down

Thursday night I completed my 1st semester in the Educational Leadership Ed.S Program at KSU. It has been a very hard semester so I am glad that it is over. I did receive A's in both classes and my first 6 credits toward the degree. At times it was a struggle just to make it to class much less finish assignments and research for papers.

I think that this semester was so hard because I was still and still am in some ways dealing with the miscarriage and continued health issues since the miscarriage. College professors won't take the excuse that I just needed to curl up in bed and cry as an reason for not coming to class so I had to push through the emotions and do what needed to be done.

I have a month off before the summer semester starts. I plan on spending my extra time with family. The summer will be long and hard with my goal of completing 9 credit hours in 8 weeks.

Before the Morning.

The song Before the Morning by Josh Wilson, is really challenging me right now. I just really feel like I am in a pit that I can not dig myself out of . It seems that every time I take a step forward I take three steps back. I am trying so hard to "get over it and move on" but I just can't. Sometimes I have trouble feeling God and knowing that he is here. I don't understand why I have to be in the pain I am in and why David and I have to walk the road we are walking. Why must we take hit after hit? It is so hard to push on and have faith that God is in control when so much of my life is out of control.

Just about every time I hear the song Before the Morning by Josh Wilson, I cry. Because it is like the song was written for me right now for this time in my life. I am really trying to have faith that joy and peace is coming soon but some times it is so hard to remember that.

This week marks 5 months since my life began to fall apart and it still seems like it was just yesterday. I keep hoping that once I have healed from the most recent medical procedure that it will all get better. I am convincing myself that once the physical symptoms are healed the emotional healing can begin. Today I was put in a tail spin by not 1 but 3 people complaining about the discomforts of being pregnant. Don't they understand that some people would do anything and endure any discomfort just to be able to hold and love a child when it was all over?

It has been a challenge to keep the faith, but I am not going to give up.

Lyrics-- Before the Morning (Josh Wilson)

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Work this week

This week at work has been hard. I don't know if it a combination of several problems occurring or if it just me getting back into the full swing of things after several weeks and months of not being able to do my job to its fullest. This week has been eventful.

• The guidance office staff at SHS were informed officially that I would not be returning next year. Many of them are upset that I did not "choose" to stay at SHS. They feel like that I picked CVHS over them. The fact is that I was not given a choice and both locations have pros and cons. Of course this news is now leaking to other SHS staff and students and I am hearing what they think about it and they are not happy. It feels nice to be liked and wanted, but I have no control over the decisions that have been made.
• A big issue came up at one of the schools concerning a special education student and participation in the WBL program and working with the county office. I do not understand how people who do not understand, know or research the law get into positions of administration. This issue was a lawsuit waiting to happen, and since I am "just a teacher" the administration did not think I knew what I was talking about. I ended up having to contact the county office, which is never good. So now I get to spend the rest of the school year walking on egg shells because the administration is ticked because I went to the county instead of trying to work it out at the local level. I feel like I can't win. I tried for 2 weeks to work it out at the local leve.
• I am so tired in the mornings I can barely make it out of bed. I just feel exhausted this week. I have got to get myself back on track.

Hoping for a better week next week.

Garden Update

Today I planted:
Tomatoes
Watermelon
Peas

Cow Peas

All that is left to plant is the green bean. I hope to do those on Saturday. I keep forgetting to soak the seeds, which is recommended prior to planting.

A couple of the spice boxes are starting to sprout, as well as one of the cucumber hills and lettuce. Hopefully in a few weeks we will see lots of other plants growing in our little garden.

I did go ahead and buy tomato plants. I was not going to, but decided to purchase a few as well as planting seeds. Everything else was planted from seeds.

Garden Phase 4- Let the planting begin

Finally- we got some seeds and plants in the ground today. We planted about half of the plot and plan to plant the rest within a few days. So far we have planted the following items:

Strawberries
Carrots
Radishes
Potatoes
Yellow Squash
Cucumbers
Onions
Garlic
Lettuce (several kinds)
Peppers (several kinds)
Sunflowers

We have about 4 different kinds of beans/peas left to plant. We are not planting a lot of any one thing because we are not sure what will do well in our soil. So we are planting a wide variety so that we can see what kinds of things grow well in the space we have available for gardening.

Garden Phase 3

Phase 3 of our Garden has been by far the hardest to complete. Phase 3 included tilling the plot and adding garden soil to Georgia red clay mixture that we have in our yard. The tilling took hours. We started on Friday afternoon and worked ALL day Saturday. That poor tilling machine did not hardly get a break. David, Caleb and I all took turns tilling, of course David did most of this hard labor.

To my surprise Caleb did not complain 1 time. Madilyn enjoyed spending the entire day outside. She was content to play with Piglet and walk around the yard. For the most part she stayed out of the way and let us get the work done.

We decided not to bother with a fence for a couple of reasons. Most of the animals will just climb the fence and it would be costly and labor intensive. I went to Lowes to see what kind of deterrent I could find that would keep animals away. I ran into an older couple who have been gardening for years with a plot that backs up to the woods and they had a product . recommendation. So we are going to try this repellent that you spread around the outside of the garden area, . It is pretty smelly, but is safe for humans and household pets, it just is offensive to a lot of wild creatures. The good thing is that you do not put it on the plants that you hope to one day eat. So we will see if it works, if not I guess the animals will enjoy some veggies.

What I learned from Exodus this week!

Since this week has been more of relaxed pace I had time to actually sit down and study a few passages of scripture. I camped out in Exodus and Matthew Chapter 6.

The reason I choose Exodus is because on Easter we had nothing better to do with our time so we watched the classic movie "The Ten Commandments." I had never seen the movie and after viewing it I had a few questions about how closely the movie followed the Bible so I decided to sit down and read for myself. Overall I found the movie did a pretty good job. I did learn a few things upon reading Exodus though.

• Why did God want to kill Moses. When I read Exodus 4:24. I was taken by surprise. Never had I heard this verse read, and I don't recall ever reading the verse; "at a lodging place on the way, the Lord met Moses and was about to kill him. But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses feet with it. Surely you are a bride groom of blood." My wonderful husband did some research and found that at the time Jews circumcised there children. Moses was going to led the people and as a leader had not followed one of the basic religious practices of the people. The made me start thinking about those who are in leadership positions or want to be that have something standing in the way of them being an effective leader. The verse just really made me think that how we all should take care of the big and little things in our lives to make us more effective for the work of the kingdom.
• Where did all the stuff come from: In the movie "The Ten Commandments" the people were packing to leave the land of bondage. I thought to myself these people are slaves they would not have so much gold, silver, live stock and other material possessions. But as I was reading Exodus I came across another verse I never heard preached upon or even read in church. Exodus 12:35-36 says, "The Israelites did as Moses instructed and asked the Egyptians for articles of silver and gold and for clothing. The lord had made the Egyptians favorably disposed toward the people and they gave them what they asked for so they plundered the Egyptians." I wonder why preachers do not preach about this when they preach about God's provision for his people. He made sure that the people would be cared for during their time in the dessert. This scripture would be an excellent reference for showing that in trying times God will provide all of our needs. He made the Egyptians feel favorably toward the slaves and they gave them their valuables. As a kid I always pictured the slaves roaming the dessert with only the clothing on their backs, because as a child anytime we learned about slaves we learned about the total reliance they had on their masters for everything (food, clothing, shelter). But to know that God went ahead of them and met their needs before they became needs is an awesome thought.
• All of the signs and the people still did not believe. I can not even think about living in that time and seeing all of the miracles and still doubting God. The plagues, the provision in the dessert of manna, water, parting the Red Sea. But time after time the people complained to Moses and doubted the hand of God. I have really had a personal struggle with doubting God during the last few months. I sometimes wish I had a cloud by day and night to guide my path. I wish that manna would rain down from heaven so that I could see that God still does miracles. While I do not have those visible symbols I do have faith that he is there and he does care for me. I just don't understand the trials we are going through now. I hope that we can all have faith without all of the signs and wonders that the people of Israel had.

Since this is long I will save Matthew 6 for another post. I have learned a lot from Exodus and Moses this week. I hope that some of you who read this will think about these verses and thoughts and form your own thoughts.

Garden Phase 2

Wednesday we worked on Phase 2 of the Lloyd vegetable garden. Phase 2 was pretty simple. All we had to do was determine the size of the garden, the location and then prepare the area for tilling. We decided on a patch of land near the wood line of our property, that we could expand to a larger size in the coming years if we are successful this year. The current size of the garden is roughly 720 square feet.

Caleb and I then raked the area and removed rocks from the area in preparation for tilling. I expected complaining from Caleb since I got a lot of it the day before. I was surprised that he did not complain at all while we were preparing the area. It was a good time for us to just talk, we hardly ever get a chance to just hang out and talk. Working full time and going to school 2 nights a week really bites into my time.

With Phase 2 complete we are ready for Phase 3 which is to till the area and add nutrients to the soil. We are dealing with a lot of red clay, so it will be a chore to get the area ready for planting.

Garden Phase 1

On Tuesday of this week we started Phase 1 of the first ever Lloyd vegetable garden. David and I have been married almost 19 years and have never planted a garden. I thought that I would give it a try this year. I will admit that I know NOTHING about gardening, and am just going to give it a try to see what if anything we can get to grow.

Phase 1: The first phase of our garden is now planted. I love to cook and love to use spices. I have read that spices are pretty easy to grow and that some people actually plant them in very decorative containers and grow them on their counter tops. Well, I decided I would start with 6 basic spices that I use all of the time and that I would plant them in outdoor containers on our back patio. So we currently have 6 containers on our back porch filled with soil and seeds, they look pretty ugly but hopefully soon we will have some sprouts. We planted:

1. Basil
2. Oregano
3. Parsley
4. Fennel
5. Chives
6. Cebolla- small green onions

I also planted 2 containers of tomatoes that will be transplanted and 1 container or Marigolds that will also be transplanted in a few weeks. Apparently Marigolds help keep bugs away. I know I could have bought Tomatoes and Marigolds that were already started but I wanted to start from scratch. That's not to say I won't go buy a few more tomatoes or marigolds that are already growing but for the time being we will just see what sprouts from the current planting.

I made Caleb do most of the work with this phase since it was pretty easy and I am suppose to be taking it easy for a few days.

It will be fun to cook using our fresh spices this summer.

Feeling Better

Normally we spend Spring Break traveling, but this year we stayed home for several reasons. One of which is that as you all know my health has not been great for the past several months. I have been in pain and fighting constant infections. Well on Monday, I had a procedure done that will hopefully correct the problems I have been having and I am actually feeling better already. However it will be about a month before we know if the procedure actually worked. I for one am hoping and praying that it worked so that I can get back to my normal life. I have too much to do in life and with my family to be sick all of the time.

Echo-Cardiogram

Madilyn had her Echo-Cardiogram yesterday, and for the first time in almost 5 months we got good news. Madilyn does have a heart murmur however, it is considered to be an "innocent murmur." Her heart seems to be formed perfectly, and is working great. We still don't know why her lips, fingers and toes turn blue every once in a while but the doctor did not seem too concerned with it, since it happens infrequently, and does not last for very long.

Just glad to hear good news for the first time in a long time.

Photo By Sommer at Fancy Pants Photos

When will it end????

I have had enough! We seem to be on a never ending winding road of pain, loss and suffering. I am so tired of taking hit after hit after hit. I am tired of everyone telling me it will be alright. Just when we start to see an end in sight something else happens.

Today David took Madilyn to the doctor for a recheck on an illness she had last week. She had contracted one of the many forms of a Rhino Virus and had become lactose intolerant. Today at the appointment they decided that she needed to see a cardiologist for a heart murmur. They had detected the murmur in January but said we should not worry about it, because most kids grow out of them within a few months. Well Madilyn's is still detectable after 3 months. Her lips, hands and feet have also turned blue several times recently and shivers like she is cold for no apparent reason.

Madilyn has an appointment on Monday at 11.... I hope an pray that nothing is wrong, but with the way my life has been going I just feel like the results are not going to be good.

Shattered Dreams

So a few days ago I bought a bracelet that really spoke to me about picking up the broken pieces of life and moving on. It spoke to me about keeping dreams alive and not giving up.

Well-- Tuesday my bracelet broke. I can not believe how much like my life this is. I can not even have a symbol that is positive that stays intact. To put it simply my life has pretty much sucked for the past few months.

So many people told me the bracelet was a "God Thing." To tell you the truth I am having a real hard time seeing God in anything that has been going on in my life lately. Everyone keeps saying that God will not give me more than I can handle. Let me tell you I can NOT handle anymore. Everyone keeps telling me to move on, all I have to say is when you have been in my shoes you can tell me to move on. I have been sick almost everyday since November. I have zero energy, constant infections, and bleeding all the time. How am I suppose to move on when my body will not heal.

While the bracelet can be repaired, I am not sure that I will ever be the same again.

The Bracelet

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you felt destiny calling you? A moment in time where you knew your life would be changed forever, the moment when your heart and mind were set on a dream?

I have had several moments in my life that I have felt this way. One of my most defining moments will seem silly to you but this one moment in my life changed me forever and today that moment came flooding back to me reminding me of good times, bad times and having a dream and faith to achieve the dream.

And a silly bracelet made it happen.

My life was in turmoil in 8th grade. My oldest sister had just left home at the age of 16, and my family had picked up and moved across the county. In a weeks time I lost my sister, my friends, my school and everything in life that seemed normal. Going to a new school was not fun especially in the middle of the year when you are from CA moving to FL. Vans shoes and ski jackets were cool in CA but we looked silly in FL. Somehow, I made it through the 8th grade and started 9th grade at Milton High School.

The defining moment that changed my life and helped to make me the person I am today happened on the 1st day of 9th grade when I walked into a typing class taught by Mr. Handley. I was not excited about this class, but it seemed like an easy A. The school still had manual typewriters that had a bell that rung when you got to the end of the line and a carriage release you had to use in order to get to the next line. I don't know what it was about the sound the keys made, the bell ringing and the crisp white paper but for some reason I had found something in life to love.

Through out the semester I learned that with this skill I could make something of my life. In this typing class I found HOPE and a DREAM. By the third week of class I knew in my heart that one day I would be a typing teacher. I had thought this on the first day of school but dismissed the thought. I had a dream and I would somehow make it happen.

Fast forward a few years. I still had my dream of being a typing teacher. But life had gotten rough. My family life was bad, and I felt my dream fading. I actually left home at the age of 16 (long story, will save for another post). I was lost and felt like I would never reach my dream and that life would never be okay for me again. I guess that's how the minds of 16 year old's work.

I moved to TN and enrolled in another high school. In this school I registered for a Marketing class and was a member of DECA. I could feel my dream of being a typing teacher coming back to life. Life did improve but I still had some problems. But I was able to attend college and I did finally achieve my dream of being a typing teacher. The only thing is I would never teach kids to type on a typewriter. My first year of teaching computers made it to the classroom. I did teach typing along with several other subjects. I have had a successful teaching career and would not change my career path in any way.

It's no secrete that the past few months have been hell on earth for David and me. We had dreams and we lost them, we have felt alone and like life would never be normal again. Today by chance I got a reminder to remember my dreams and to keep on having faith and doing what I need to do to achieve them.

I had a few minutes before class at KSU so I stopped at an antique store. Within a minute of being in the store I was drawn to a jewelry case and in the case was a bracelet made from old typewriter keys and it said the word DREAM on it. I normally do not make impulse purchases but I did today because this bracelet was a wonderful reminder to me of where I have been and where I can go. It was a reminder to keep the dream alive and that sometimes the world may seem dark but if you keep pressing on things will get better.

Some good news

Two weeks ago I was given some good news, and last Thursday the news was officially announced so now I am free to talk about the situation.

In Jan of 2009 I was asked to work a few days at a second school while the person who holds the job was on a short leave. That short leave turned into long term leave, which has now turned ugly.

So for the past year I have been doing the job of two people for the pay of 1 person. I have had to split my time between 2 buildings, 2 sets of students, 2 sets of guidance counselors and 2 sets of administration. It has been hard but I have somehow managed to keep my head above water.

I was told that I needed to increase my numbers at both schools in order to only be assigned to one school for the next year. I also needed to increase my numbers in order to ensure that the program would be continued. With the way the budget is right now anything and everything is on the chopping block. Well at one school I took my number from 50 to 89. The other school stayed the same, this year I have 25 and I currently only have 25 registered for next year. I have many theories as to why there is such a big difference in the numbers, but I will not go into them here in a public space. All I can say is that I actively recruited students at both schools. At the school with the lower number I did MORE than I did at the school with the higher number. I don't know why the recruitment did not work, but I do have theories, but once again will not go into those in writing in public.

I was happy with the number of 89 since state law limits me to 100 students. I was disappointed in 25. However, the county was happy and they let me know that they were impressed with the growth at the one school.

I was officially told last Thursday that I would be at only 1 school and that I would be assigned to Creekview. Creekview is the school I was originally hired to work at, and it is also the school my son will be attending next school year. While I will miss the people and students at Sequoyah, I can not continue to serve two schools and remain sane.

However, I don't think that Caleb was as excited about the news as I was.

Stupid Questions Airport Security People Ask.

I almost laughed when the security agent at the gate to my flight from London asked me, "Do you have anything in your bag that could be used weapon?" What kind of stupid question is that? Is there a right answer to that question? The following is a list of items in my bag that could be used as a weapon but I was permitted to board with all of these dangerous items.

1. Laptop: I felt like using it to whack the guy in front of me over the head because he insisted on changing the position of his seat every five minutes. I was trying to watch a movie and my screen kept moving.
2. Laptop Power cord: I could have strangled someone on the plane with that cord.
3. Make-up brush: The brush has a sharp point and I could have poked some one's eye out with it.
4. Eye drops: Eye drops have been shown to be a very dangerous drug if placed in some one's drink. I could have drugged my row mates with those dangerous drugs.
5. College Textbook: I could have bored everyone on the plane to death by reading the darn book. Or I could have thrown it and knocked someone out with it.
6. Back pack: The straps could have been used to choke someone.
7. Ink Pen: I can not take a nail file on board but I can take an ink pen, I could have stabbed someone with my ink pen.
8. Compact Mirror: I could have broke this and then sliced some one's throat.

I am sure that I had other items in my bag that could have been used as a weapon. I hope you all feel safe, I know I do thanks to airport security. What a freaking JOKE.

Trip Day 5- The Return Home

Monday came all too early. I rolled out of bed around 6 am and had a quick breakfast with David at the hotel restaurant. I was in a cab by 7 am and at the airport by 7:30. Then the crap began...

I checked in with my airline checked my bags and made my way through customs with no problem. However, when I hit security the problems began. All passengers flying into the states were funneled into 2 lines. All other passengers were sent to one of many open lines. Once my passport and ticket were analyzed I was told to empty my bag- Not to just place it in the tray on the belt, but to totally empty the bag. ALL people in the line had to do this. Once I passed through the metal detector I was patted down. Every person in the line was given the full pat down. Talk about crazy, all because we were flying into the states.

Once I finished with being fondled by the security agent I repacked my bag and made my way to my assigned gate. Imagine my surprise when I saw that all the gates with flights arriving in the US were roped off and ALL passengers were being checked AGAIN. I had to once again receive the full pat down and a security agent took everything out of my neatly packed bag. HELLO.... the bag had just been emptied five minutes prior to this. None of the passengers were very happy with having to be patted down again and having bags emptied again.

Due to the extra security check my plan boarded 30 minutes late and left the ground almost an hour late. This was not good, since my connection flight in NJ only had an hour and fifteen minute lay over. The flight from London to NJ was pretty good. I watched a few movies and made myself stay awake so that I would be able to sleep at night when I got home.

Once we landed in NJ I only had 15 minutes to go through customs and security and get to my plane. Well customs took forever, they only had 3 lines open for American citizens, and had about ten lines for non-American citizens. Get this the guy in customs did not even speak proper English. Why do we have custom agents in the states who can't even speak English???

Once through customs I had to go through security again. This time was not as bad as in London, since I did not get the full pat down treatment. But the line was so slow because so many people acted like they had never gone through a security line. Finally done with security I had to go to baggage claim, and recheck my bag. That went pretty quickly, but the agent on duty told me that me and my bag might not make this flight. He informed me the flight had been delayed but he was not sure if it had boarded yet or not but to hurry because from that point it was about a 15 minute walk to the gate. Well I walked fast and made it to the gate. Lucky me, the flight still had not boarded, and they were having to change out the plane. So I an my luggage made it on board. The funny thing is we left about an hour late but arrived 15 minutes prior to our original arrival time. No customs or security in ATL so I was headed home by 6:00 and walking in my door by 7:00.

Madi was so excited to see me. I got so many hugs and kisses from her, she made the rest of the night so nice. All she wanted to do was hug me and kiss me. She is such a special little girl. It was good to be home.