What was I thinking????

I feel so over-whelmed. I sometimes wonder how I am making it through with so much going on in life and what the heck was I thinking when I made the decisions I have made.

Currently I am enrolled in graduate school for 11 credit hours. That is just 1 credit shy of being considered full time. What in the heck was I thinking. Lets see... I was thinking that if I do not finish by May I will have to follow the new rules, which means more classes and taking another state test. I was thinking if I don't finish by May I will not have a summer again this year. I was thinking if I don't finish by May I may never finish.

Currently I am taking School Law, Educational Research and Portfolio Development. The amount of work required for these classes is mind blowing. Somehow, I am pushing through and making it.

What was I thinking when I decided to get a new job. I was thinking I would be close to home, get some of of the classroom experience, get away from the situation I was in that was horrible. Now I see the grass is STILL greener on the other side, but I am having to learn a whole new county and whole new rules and a whole new job. Then to top it off, I am filling in at another school, so I am doing my job at 2 schools, all for the pay of doing it at one school. What was I thinking. It would have been so much easier to just stay where I was , where I knew everyone and knew everything about the job.

It would be so easy to stay in my comfort zone and never move forward. This is what I was thinking, but I did not do that. I went with a crazy plan to adopt a baby, get a new job, and go to graduate school all at the same time.

At least the adoption is done, grad school will be over in May, and then maybe life can get back to normal.

Want to slap her silly:(

Every once in a while I just want to find Madilyn's bmom and slap her silly. Why in the world did she make the decision to smoke 2 packs a day while pregnant? Due to her selfishness Madilyn is very small and struggling to catch up but worse than that, she has chronic lung and bronchitis issues. We have to use a nebulizer 3 times a day, and have been using this treatment since October. It seems like every time she gets better, it only last for a few days and then we have to go back on the medication. These treatments are very difficult for Madilyn to take, as the machine is loud and she has to wear a face mask. She struggles and fights us the entire time but no matter what we can't let her win.

Our doctor is hopeful that with time and age she will become stronger and not have to deal with bronchial issues her entire life.

I know people will say smoking is an addiction. I don't care addictions can be broken. People try to kick their addiction but quit because they are selfish and don't want to suffer the withdrawals of the addiction. Yes its hard but in the end once the cycle of addiction is broken your life will be better and so will the lives of everyone around you.

Tired

Have you ever gotten a full nights sleep and woke up startled when the alarm clock went off? That is me lately. I am getting pretty good sleep now that Madilyn is sleeping through the night, but I wake up feeling like I have only slept an hour or so.

I long for times when work was not pressing and times when just hanging out was the thing to do. Seems like we do not have time to just hang out anymore now that we are responsilbe grown ups with careers, kids and bills. I want my life to be more than working, cleaning house and taking care of kids.

I determined a few weeks ago that I would make time for myself, David the kids and friends and not go crazy doing so. So on Feb. 14 I reactivated my gym membership and have been going to work out 3-4 days a week since then. I am feeling better, but still waking up tired. The time I spend at the gym is ME time. Time to think, time to chill and time to work on me. I LOVE it and don't know why I quit going in the first place.

Last week I decided that it was crazy to drive Caleb all the way to youth, then go home only to have to come out to get him and drive home again. Our friends Iris and John live farther from the church than we do and thought the same thing. So this past Sunday night we spent about 2 hours chillin at "It's a Grind." It was a great night. We talked about fun things, serious things, stupid things, just whatever came to mind. Next week we are going to go get Sushi while the kids are at youth.

We are looking for a permanent babysitter so that we can establish a weekly or biweekly date night. While Caleb is too old for a babysitter he is not old enough to take care of Madilyn by himself. He has some hurt feelings about this but will get over it. We have a girl that we have used once and have scheduled again, and are hoping that it will work out.

Sometimes, you really have to think about and plan time to just relax and not let your life run you. Working on it, but right now life is running me I am not running life.