Before the Morning.

The song Before the Morning by Josh Wilson, is really challenging me right now. I just really feel like I am in a pit that I can not dig myself out of . It seems that every time I take a step forward I take three steps back. I am trying so hard to "get over it and move on" but I just can't. Sometimes I have trouble feeling God and knowing that he is here. I don't understand why I have to be in the pain I am in and why David and I have to walk the road we are walking. Why must we take hit after hit? It is so hard to push on and have faith that God is in control when so much of my life is out of control.

Just about every time I hear the song Before the Morning by Josh Wilson, I cry. Because it is like the song was written for me right now for this time in my life. I am really trying to have faith that joy and peace is coming soon but some times it is so hard to remember that.

This week marks 5 months since my life began to fall apart and it still seems like it was just yesterday. I keep hoping that once I have healed from the most recent medical procedure that it will all get better. I am convincing myself that once the physical symptoms are healed the emotional healing can begin. Today I was put in a tail spin by not 1 but 3 people complaining about the discomforts of being pregnant. Don't they understand that some people would do anything and endure any discomfort just to be able to hold and love a child when it was all over?

It has been a challenge to keep the faith, but I am not going to give up.

Lyrics-- Before the Morning (Josh Wilson)

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Work this week

This week at work has been hard. I don't know if it a combination of several problems occurring or if it just me getting back into the full swing of things after several weeks and months of not being able to do my job to its fullest. This week has been eventful.

• The guidance office staff at SHS were informed officially that I would not be returning next year. Many of them are upset that I did not "choose" to stay at SHS. They feel like that I picked CVHS over them. The fact is that I was not given a choice and both locations have pros and cons. Of course this news is now leaking to other SHS staff and students and I am hearing what they think about it and they are not happy. It feels nice to be liked and wanted, but I have no control over the decisions that have been made.
• A big issue came up at one of the schools concerning a special education student and participation in the WBL program and working with the county office. I do not understand how people who do not understand, know or research the law get into positions of administration. This issue was a lawsuit waiting to happen, and since I am "just a teacher" the administration did not think I knew what I was talking about. I ended up having to contact the county office, which is never good. So now I get to spend the rest of the school year walking on egg shells because the administration is ticked because I went to the county instead of trying to work it out at the local level. I feel like I can't win. I tried for 2 weeks to work it out at the local leve.
• I am so tired in the mornings I can barely make it out of bed. I just feel exhausted this week. I have got to get myself back on track.

Hoping for a better week next week.

Garden Update

Today I planted:
Tomatoes
Watermelon
Peas

Cow Peas

All that is left to plant is the green bean. I hope to do those on Saturday. I keep forgetting to soak the seeds, which is recommended prior to planting.

A couple of the spice boxes are starting to sprout, as well as one of the cucumber hills and lettuce. Hopefully in a few weeks we will see lots of other plants growing in our little garden.

I did go ahead and buy tomato plants. I was not going to, but decided to purchase a few as well as planting seeds. Everything else was planted from seeds.

Garden Phase 4- Let the planting begin

Finally- we got some seeds and plants in the ground today. We planted about half of the plot and plan to plant the rest within a few days. So far we have planted the following items:

Strawberries
Carrots
Radishes
Potatoes
Yellow Squash
Cucumbers
Onions
Garlic
Lettuce (several kinds)
Peppers (several kinds)
Sunflowers

We have about 4 different kinds of beans/peas left to plant. We are not planting a lot of any one thing because we are not sure what will do well in our soil. So we are planting a wide variety so that we can see what kinds of things grow well in the space we have available for gardening.

Garden Phase 3

Phase 3 of our Garden has been by far the hardest to complete. Phase 3 included tilling the plot and adding garden soil to Georgia red clay mixture that we have in our yard. The tilling took hours. We started on Friday afternoon and worked ALL day Saturday. That poor tilling machine did not hardly get a break. David, Caleb and I all took turns tilling, of course David did most of this hard labor.

To my surprise Caleb did not complain 1 time. Madilyn enjoyed spending the entire day outside. She was content to play with Piglet and walk around the yard. For the most part she stayed out of the way and let us get the work done.

We decided not to bother with a fence for a couple of reasons. Most of the animals will just climb the fence and it would be costly and labor intensive. I went to Lowes to see what kind of deterrent I could find that would keep animals away. I ran into an older couple who have been gardening for years with a plot that backs up to the woods and they had a product . recommendation. So we are going to try this repellent that you spread around the outside of the garden area, . It is pretty smelly, but is safe for humans and household pets, it just is offensive to a lot of wild creatures. The good thing is that you do not put it on the plants that you hope to one day eat. So we will see if it works, if not I guess the animals will enjoy some veggies.

What I learned from Exodus this week!

Since this week has been more of relaxed pace I had time to actually sit down and study a few passages of scripture. I camped out in Exodus and Matthew Chapter 6.

The reason I choose Exodus is because on Easter we had nothing better to do with our time so we watched the classic movie "The Ten Commandments." I had never seen the movie and after viewing it I had a few questions about how closely the movie followed the Bible so I decided to sit down and read for myself. Overall I found the movie did a pretty good job. I did learn a few things upon reading Exodus though.

• Why did God want to kill Moses. When I read Exodus 4:24. I was taken by surprise. Never had I heard this verse read, and I don't recall ever reading the verse; "at a lodging place on the way, the Lord met Moses and was about to kill him. But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses feet with it. Surely you are a bride groom of blood." My wonderful husband did some research and found that at the time Jews circumcised there children. Moses was going to led the people and as a leader had not followed one of the basic religious practices of the people. The made me start thinking about those who are in leadership positions or want to be that have something standing in the way of them being an effective leader. The verse just really made me think that how we all should take care of the big and little things in our lives to make us more effective for the work of the kingdom.
• Where did all the stuff come from: In the movie "The Ten Commandments" the people were packing to leave the land of bondage. I thought to myself these people are slaves they would not have so much gold, silver, live stock and other material possessions. But as I was reading Exodus I came across another verse I never heard preached upon or even read in church. Exodus 12:35-36 says, "The Israelites did as Moses instructed and asked the Egyptians for articles of silver and gold and for clothing. The lord had made the Egyptians favorably disposed toward the people and they gave them what they asked for so they plundered the Egyptians." I wonder why preachers do not preach about this when they preach about God's provision for his people. He made sure that the people would be cared for during their time in the dessert. This scripture would be an excellent reference for showing that in trying times God will provide all of our needs. He made the Egyptians feel favorably toward the slaves and they gave them their valuables. As a kid I always pictured the slaves roaming the dessert with only the clothing on their backs, because as a child anytime we learned about slaves we learned about the total reliance they had on their masters for everything (food, clothing, shelter). But to know that God went ahead of them and met their needs before they became needs is an awesome thought.
• All of the signs and the people still did not believe. I can not even think about living in that time and seeing all of the miracles and still doubting God. The plagues, the provision in the dessert of manna, water, parting the Red Sea. But time after time the people complained to Moses and doubted the hand of God. I have really had a personal struggle with doubting God during the last few months. I sometimes wish I had a cloud by day and night to guide my path. I wish that manna would rain down from heaven so that I could see that God still does miracles. While I do not have those visible symbols I do have faith that he is there and he does care for me. I just don't understand the trials we are going through now. I hope that we can all have faith without all of the signs and wonders that the people of Israel had.

Since this is long I will save Matthew 6 for another post. I have learned a lot from Exodus and Moses this week. I hope that some of you who read this will think about these verses and thoughts and form your own thoughts.

Garden Phase 2

Wednesday we worked on Phase 2 of the Lloyd vegetable garden. Phase 2 was pretty simple. All we had to do was determine the size of the garden, the location and then prepare the area for tilling. We decided on a patch of land near the wood line of our property, that we could expand to a larger size in the coming years if we are successful this year. The current size of the garden is roughly 720 square feet.

Caleb and I then raked the area and removed rocks from the area in preparation for tilling. I expected complaining from Caleb since I got a lot of it the day before. I was surprised that he did not complain at all while we were preparing the area. It was a good time for us to just talk, we hardly ever get a chance to just hang out and talk. Working full time and going to school 2 nights a week really bites into my time.

With Phase 2 complete we are ready for Phase 3 which is to till the area and add nutrients to the soil. We are dealing with a lot of red clay, so it will be a chore to get the area ready for planting.

Garden Phase 1

On Tuesday of this week we started Phase 1 of the first ever Lloyd vegetable garden. David and I have been married almost 19 years and have never planted a garden. I thought that I would give it a try this year. I will admit that I know NOTHING about gardening, and am just going to give it a try to see what if anything we can get to grow.

Phase 1: The first phase of our garden is now planted. I love to cook and love to use spices. I have read that spices are pretty easy to grow and that some people actually plant them in very decorative containers and grow them on their counter tops. Well, I decided I would start with 6 basic spices that I use all of the time and that I would plant them in outdoor containers on our back patio. So we currently have 6 containers on our back porch filled with soil and seeds, they look pretty ugly but hopefully soon we will have some sprouts. We planted:

1. Basil
2. Oregano
3. Parsley
4. Fennel
5. Chives
6. Cebolla- small green onions

I also planted 2 containers of tomatoes that will be transplanted and 1 container or Marigolds that will also be transplanted in a few weeks. Apparently Marigolds help keep bugs away. I know I could have bought Tomatoes and Marigolds that were already started but I wanted to start from scratch. That's not to say I won't go buy a few more tomatoes or marigolds that are already growing but for the time being we will just see what sprouts from the current planting.

I made Caleb do most of the work with this phase since it was pretty easy and I am suppose to be taking it easy for a few days.

It will be fun to cook using our fresh spices this summer.

Feeling Better

Normally we spend Spring Break traveling, but this year we stayed home for several reasons. One of which is that as you all know my health has not been great for the past several months. I have been in pain and fighting constant infections. Well on Monday, I had a procedure done that will hopefully correct the problems I have been having and I am actually feeling better already. However it will be about a month before we know if the procedure actually worked. I for one am hoping and praying that it worked so that I can get back to my normal life. I have too much to do in life and with my family to be sick all of the time.

Echo-Cardiogram

Madilyn had her Echo-Cardiogram yesterday, and for the first time in almost 5 months we got good news. Madilyn does have a heart murmur however, it is considered to be an "innocent murmur." Her heart seems to be formed perfectly, and is working great. We still don't know why her lips, fingers and toes turn blue every once in a while but the doctor did not seem too concerned with it, since it happens infrequently, and does not last for very long.

Just glad to hear good news for the first time in a long time.

Photo By Sommer at Fancy Pants Photos

When will it end????

I have had enough! We seem to be on a never ending winding road of pain, loss and suffering. I am so tired of taking hit after hit after hit. I am tired of everyone telling me it will be alright. Just when we start to see an end in sight something else happens.

Today David took Madilyn to the doctor for a recheck on an illness she had last week. She had contracted one of the many forms of a Rhino Virus and had become lactose intolerant. Today at the appointment they decided that she needed to see a cardiologist for a heart murmur. They had detected the murmur in January but said we should not worry about it, because most kids grow out of them within a few months. Well Madilyn's is still detectable after 3 months. Her lips, hands and feet have also turned blue several times recently and shivers like she is cold for no apparent reason.

Madilyn has an appointment on Monday at 11.... I hope an pray that nothing is wrong, but with the way my life has been going I just feel like the results are not going to be good.

Shattered Dreams

So a few days ago I bought a bracelet that really spoke to me about picking up the broken pieces of life and moving on. It spoke to me about keeping dreams alive and not giving up.

Well-- Tuesday my bracelet broke. I can not believe how much like my life this is. I can not even have a symbol that is positive that stays intact. To put it simply my life has pretty much sucked for the past few months.

So many people told me the bracelet was a "God Thing." To tell you the truth I am having a real hard time seeing God in anything that has been going on in my life lately. Everyone keeps saying that God will not give me more than I can handle. Let me tell you I can NOT handle anymore. Everyone keeps telling me to move on, all I have to say is when you have been in my shoes you can tell me to move on. I have been sick almost everyday since November. I have zero energy, constant infections, and bleeding all the time. How am I suppose to move on when my body will not heal.

While the bracelet can be repaired, I am not sure that I will ever be the same again.