Hate feeling like this....

I am not doing well this week. I am really trying to forget and move on but it just is not happening. The fact that my sister-in-law is expecting does not help matters, along with the fact that I am still having issues from the D&C. I was doing pretty good and then last night the post of "We are having a boy" showed up on my Facebook. Great for you!! I should have found out 2 weeks ago what we were having. I know it is not their fault that I am in pain, but every time something is posted about a baby due around the same time as mine was due I just fall apart. Several weeks ago I blocked post from several pregnant people just so that I could deal and heal. I did not block this one person because they are a family member, however, for my own sanity I need to block their post for the time being.

I know that they have a right to post about the happiness they are having, but I also have a right to mourn without feeling guilty about my feelings of sadness. Mourning takes a while, and takes even longer when you are hit in the face by others expecting and with continued health issues from the miscarriage.

Moving on- Well at least trying

Prior to October I had gotten all of Madilyn's baby stuff together to give away. Well then we found out we were expecting which was so unexpected. I put everything back where it belonged so it could be used for the new baby. Then I had a miscarriage and I have been putting off packing the stuff up again. It was just too painful to even face anything baby related.

Well all of the infant stuff is no longer in the house. We were told about a foster family that had gotten an infant and 2 toddlers (2 and 4) with no notice, so we gave everything to this family. It feels good to help a family in need, but sad because giving away Madilyn's things really means we are moving on and letting go. I am ready to move on, but still in mourning over our loss. I am ready to move on but due to my bodies inability to heal properly after the miscarriage I am finding it difficult not to be reminded of the loss almost daily.

I am having more good days, than bad but.... I just need my body to heal so that I can begin the emotional healing.

Frustrated

I went to the doctor today and it seems to have been a wasted visit. I walked out wanting to cry. The doctor was compassionate and believed my symptoms but said she did not know what is wrong. So she gave me a prescription for a uterine infection and said it may or may not work. Then she told me I need to come back in 3 weeks for an ultrasound, that the symptoms and infection may be a result of "non-removed" tissue during the procedure I had to have done in November. What the hell!!! Now I have to wait 3 weeks to see if this is what is causing my symptoms. What about fitting me in, so I can get some piece of mind. If there is still remaining tissues from the D&C in November the medication won't really help, it will make the infection go away for now but once the course of medication is over in 7 days the infection and symptoms will just return again.

This really SUCKS.

The Marriage Ref

I have recently started seeing many previews for an upcoming show called "The Marriage Ref." I decided to do a little research and find out what this show was all about.

According to the show's website couples will both air their side of the story and then a panel of celebrities will decide who is right and who is wrong. These celebrities admittedly have no training or knowledge of how to counsel people in marriage situations. Since the panel will rotate and not be the same people each and every week guest on the show have no idea who will be giving them advice. Just because you are a celebrity does not make you a credible source for deciding issues in a marriage.

Last time I checked "Refs" were used to make decisions concerning opposing teams. In marriage there should not be opposing teams. The couple should be united as one team, not two teams. With the current divorce rate in our country we don't need another show on television demeaning marriage and what it means to be married. The whole premise of the show which is "WHO IS RIGHT AND WHO IS WRONG" makes me cringe, because marriage is not about being right or wrong.

"The Ref" will not air in my home. Some people will say its just good fun and there is nothing wrong with the show. Well in my book marriage is not funny and should not be joked about. Couples need to work together to solve problems. If problems can not be solved between the two of them they should go to a professional or a trusted advisor, not a comedian looking to make a buck. There is absolutely no reason to take your marriage issues to a bottom of the barrel television show.

I do not believe that a Christian should sit back and support this show by viewing it and laughing at the couples on the show. Sure many of the problems may be funny or silly like should the toilet paper go over or under, but in reality the entire premise of the show is a slap in the face to what marriage and being married means.

I think that before we allow shows like this to be aired in our homes we really need think about the underlying message which in this case is: who is right and who is wrong. All I can say about this is that the entire premise of the show is wrong on so many levels.

Still makes me feel like a school girl =)

When was the last time your heart skipped a beat when you saw your spouse? When was the last time you laughed like a teenager on a first date? When was the last time your spouse made you feel like you were the only other person in the world? I am lucky enough to have a wonderful husband that knows my needs and does everything within his power to love me and take my breath away daily. I can only hope that I have the same effect on him.

Yesterday, I was minding my own business, when my husband surprised me. I was leaving the GYM and as I walked out the door I saw his truck. I was a bit confused but felt like a school girl walking across the parking lot to see him. Just the sight of him standing there lifted my heart and made me smile. It's not like I have not seen him for months. I had just seen him that very same morning but my heart leaped at the sight of him just standing there. It's the little things like showing up when unexpected, or sending a loving dirct message through twitter that shows me each and every day that I am still the love of his life.

Romantic Marriage is about being sensitive to the wants, needs and desire of your spouse. We have been married almost 19 years and I am happy that he still does little things to show that he cares and loves me. I am thankful that he does not take my love or me for granted. I am thankful that after 19 years he still amazes me almost daily with his demostrations of love for me. We don't just show our love on Valentine's Day, but every day of the year. I really wish everyone could have a spouse like mine.

Pregnant Women- Listen Up

Pregnant people take note infertile couples do not want to hear the following, these are like slapping an infertile couple in the face.

• I just wish this baby would come already-- We don't want to hear this especially if you are only a few months along. REALLY- you want your baby right now. It is not developed enough to live. Many couples have experienced just what you are asking for and can tell you the results are almost never good.
• I hate being fat-- Most infertile couples would gain any amount of weight to have a child.
• I hate morning sickness-- Most infertile couples would spend 9 months hugging the toilet seat 24 hours a day if it meant they could have a healthy baby in the end.
• Sex just isn't the same-- who cares what your sex life is like, you are having a baby. The sex worked liked it was suppose too.
• Are all of these doctor appointments necessary-- Yes!! Most infertile couples would love to be at doctor appointments discussing their growing child.
• You can always adopt--Are you kidding. I have adopted and it is not like going to Publix and picking up a carton of milk. Adoption is a long hard process and is made more difficult by adoption laws, fickle birthmothers and a whole lot of other stuff.
• You have your career-- Great give me your baby and then you can go get a career.
• Just think of all the freedom you have with no children-- Most infertile couples would rather be tied down with no freedoms than to be childless.
• Who's fault is it that you can't have kids--Okay that one is not just for pregnant people it is for everyone.
• Doctor visit information--We do not care how far you have dilated, we do not want to hear about your gas or any other personal information related to your having a baby.
• Every conversation does not need to revolve around YOU and YOUR pregnancy.

I am sure I have left out a few and will add them as I remember them.

Can't understand "Children are a Gift from God"

Psalms 127: 3-5 Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate. (Psalms 127:3-5)

I am having trouble with these verses lately. If children are a gift from God why does it seem that many good couples can not have children but teenagers and sluts (can not think of a better word right now) have ZERO problems conceiving and carrying a baby? I can not understand why God would choose to bless and gift some but not others. I cannot understand why the cries and pleas of many women are not answered with a blessing of a child. I don't understand why my cries are only answered about YEARS of crying. Each of our children took around 5 years to arrive from the time we decided to add them to our family until their actual arrival.

My children are both miracles, and I been told by some "so-called" Christan people that I should not have either of them because they are "stolen" gifts. Caleb is stolen because we used fertility treatments to conceive him. Madilyn is stolen because she is adopted from a woman who had been "blessed" 3 other times already at the young age of 21.

I don't understand why women who have waited for years for a pregnancy are surprised with one only to have the baby miscarry. How is a miscarriage a gift from God? It seems a little bit like Indian giving.

Trying to process this is hard. Especially when so many people I know are having child after child, and when many people I know have lost their children. It is even harder when those who can have children see the need to flaunt it in your face every chance they get.

This and That

Its been a while so I will just hit the high points.

• Revolution finally has a full time pastor. We have heard him speak a few times and I like him. We are hoping that a youth pastor is in the near future somewhere. If not we will have to reevaluate our church situation.
• Puzzled as to why the old pastor is starting a new church in the same town. I have thoughts on the matter but will keep them to myself.
• I applied to the county for a promotion to be an Assistant Principal. It will be several months before any decisions are made. If I do not get an AP job I will just stay in the position I currently have for a while longer.
• Madilyn's adoption was finalized a year ago this week. The time has flown.
• Grad school is a little tougher this time around. I probably need to devote more time to studying and reading, but my time is already spread pretty thin.
• Still struggling with health issues from the D&C I had to have in November. I have several symptoms and just can not get back to feeling 100%. Since the surgery my immune system has been horrible. I am sick all the time and have recurring infections. It pretty much sucks. I just want my body to be back to normal.
• In January I lost 4.5 pounds and according to the BMI machine at the gym all of that was FAT. So I am happy about that but disappointed that I only lost 4.5 pounds. I also lost 11 inches of of my body mass. That makes me feel good, but I still have a long way to go.
• It is only day six in Feb and I have been to the GYM 4 times already. The cardio class I went to this morning kicked my hind end.
• Thinking about getting a new car. I had a love affair with Saturn for the past 18 years, but the last 4 have been horrible. I hate the Relay and regret that we ever got made the purchase.
• Still have bad days and good days, but the good outweigh the bad. However I do want to reach out and slap a few people. When you are expecting and are only 1-8 months you should not say "I just wish this baby would go ahead and come." What a stupid thing to say, the baby will come too soon and be at risk. Next time someone says that to me I think I will find a picture of a baby born too early and send to them. People need to stop and think about the stupid things that they say.