Science Fair, KSU Class 2, and more

I took the morning off work to go to the Science Fair with Caleb. He did have some tough competition, but felt like he did well with his interviews. The participants were given the afternoon off from school. We stopped by the house and picked David up and went to lunch at R&M's in downtown. We all ordered the "Donna Special" which is a favorite of many of the customers. I was unable to attend the awards ceremony due to having class at KSU. David went with Caleb and we got a sitter for Madilyn. Caleb did not win, however, he did receive an honorable mention. He was very upset and disappointed, but with life comes much disappointment.

I am much more comfortable in the Thursday night class. This class is full of all NEW Ed.S students and we are all starting at the same point, so no catch up work for this class. However, unlike the Wednesday night class that only meets every other week for 5 hours this class will meet every week for 2 hours and 30 minutes with a 15 minute break. Having 2 classes on back to back nights will be hard, but somehow we have got to make it work.

Today was the first day I did not go to the GYM this week. I had to go get a prescription so I did not have time to hit the GYM before heading to class at KSU. Since my surgery in November I keep having recurring infections. These infections are very uncomfortable and just bothersome. I want my body to heal and be back to normal. I don't have time to deal with recurring infections. Once agian these infections serve as a slap in the face and a reminder of all that David and I have lost. I just want my life back.

Back to school (AGAIN)

WOW! That is about all I can say. Boy do I feel like I am in over my head. The class covers evaluating of technology prior to purchasing. The class is a mixture of new Ed.S students which includes me and old Ed. S students who are currently in semester three of their studies. Talk about being on a learning curve. The newbies are going to have to do a lot of research and studying to catch up to the old timers.

The class will only meet 8 times during the semester, but we will meet from 5-10 pm. So that will make for a very long day. It does feel good to be going back to school again. I just like the feel of being in school and learning.

On another note, since the start of the year I have been to the GYM 8 times. I am feeling good and plan on going much more often. I have got to take time for me and to regain control of my life.

The only bad part about having a Wednesday night class is that I will miss home team every other week. So tonight David had a lot to do. He had to get everything ready for home team as well as take Caleb to set up for the Science Fair. The next two years will be very busy for all of us, hopefully in the end it will be worth the efforts.

Adderssing Concerns....

Several people have expressed concerns about recent decisions I have made, so I have decided to address a few of those concerns.

• Are you sure you really want to go back to school? Yes, I am sure I want to go back to school. The decision to go back to school was made in August, before the events of October-December. I had always planned on going back to get my Ed.S. So I am not going to school as a way to "forget." However, I will welcome the distraction that being back in school will provide. I don't think delaying starting my Ed.S will benefit anyone in the long run.
• Do I think it will get easier? I think it will with time but I am not a fool. I know that the next few months will be hard and I know that June will be a killer month for me. I also know that every November for the rest of my life will probably be hard.
• Why have I stopped volunteering at church? Working with kids is very emotional. I do plan to begin volunteering again, but right now I just don't feel ready to get back at it. Also, David and I are still not sure what we are going to be doing about a church home. We plan on attending Revolution to see how the new pastor does, but we also have to keep the needs of our family in mind. We need a church that has a youth program. We may be visiting other churches during the next several months, and it is not fair to the other volunteers to have to cover for me if I decide to be out several weeks in a row. However, right now the main factor is that I just am still too emotional to work with the kids. Not a church service has gone by where I have not cried. I am having a spiritual struggle right now, and I need to work through that before I can jump back into serving.

Snow Day #2

No school again today. Most of the main roads are clear but many of the side roads are still icy. Since the day care was open we went ahead and sent Madilyn to school. I spent the day mostly doing nothing. I did make it to the GYM, that makes it 4 times this month. I have set a goal of attending 3 times a week. That goal could get complicated when I start at KSU later this week. I am trying to figure out if I actually have time to work out after work and make it to KSU on time for class. Guess it will take a few weeks to figure it all out.

Casserole Crazy

I spent most of the day shopping and cooking up casseroles. Since I will be going to school two nights a week I wanted to make dinner prep easy for David. I also, did not want us to start spending a ton of money eating out. So this afternoon David and I cooked up 14 casseroles. These are now sitting in the freezer, waiting to be pulled out and used when needed. One day of cooking should get us through most of the semester. It was hard work but hopefully in the end it will be worth the efforts.

Snow Day- Good day turned sad...

No school today. It snowed through out the night. However, we only got about 1 inch and it really did not even cover all of the grass. Seems the biggest problem around town is the ice.

We spent the day doing nothing and trying to stay warm in front of the fire.

What should have been a good day was overshadowed by feelings of mourning. We were watching 18 Kids and Counting, it was a rerun where Anna had her first ultrasound. The next scene showed her pulling out ultra sound pictures to show to Amy. Just seeing her pull the strip of pictures from her purse brought all of the bad memories back. I have the same strip of pictures, I just don't have the baby to go with them.

I just don't understand why the pain won't go away. I don't understand why the pain won't at least ease up a bit. Why are there reminders everywhere I look. I need the reminders to go away. I need the pain, anger and sadness to go away.

Guess I won't be watching that show for a while. Too many babies too, many happy people.

Snow Coming

School got out at 1:00 pm due to impending snow. The snow started falling at around 1 and is suppose to continue through the night.

Long Day

I registered for classes at KSU today. I was accepted in October to begin work on an Ed.S. I was not 100% sure that I would actually start classes but the long term financial benefits of completing another degree really make it worth doing. I just hate that classes are 2 nights a week. When I did my masters classes were only 1 night a week. Also, when I did my masters, we only had 1 kid the first year, Madilyn came along when I only had 1 year left. The Ed.S will take 2 nights a week for 2 years to complete. I know David is up to it, I just feel like a "bad mom" for leaving the family 2 nights a week. However, I feel like a "bad mom" if I don't pursue the degree because of the effect the degree will have on my salary and retirement. Needless to say, I registered and I start classes on Thursday.

Made it to the GYM again today. That's two days in a row, guess I am getting on a roll. Experts say it only takes 30 days to get into a new habit. If I can keep going, it will become a habit and become part of my life style. I am planning on going again tomorrow.

Had a small set back today. David found my lost GYM bag and shoes yesterday afternoon. Well I did not clean it out prior to packing it for the Gym. I just put in clean clothing and my new shoes. When was changing at the gym my pregnancy workout directions fell out of the bag. Why in the hell do all of these little reminders keep popping up in my life. Why can't they all just disappear from my life so I can live a few days in peace without the pain of being reminded.

Teacher Work Day

You gotta love teacher work days. We get very few of them. I spent the day at the copy machine making copies for all of my students for the entire semester. I did go out to lunch with Shelley and Sara, but spent most of the day getting ready for tomorrow.

It was not as hard as I thought it would be getting back into routine. I also made it to the GYM for the first time since before Thanksgiving. It felt good to work out. I just gotta keep it up and make going a priority in my life.

Welcome 2010- Hope it is better than 2009

It is only day 2 of 2010 and I am not holding out much hope that it will be better than 2009. The day started with my backing my van into a basketball post and damaging my tail light and rear panel. Then I knocked a computer monitor over and onto the floor. If today is any indication of how the year will go I just want it to go by quickly.

Today we went to IKEA and purchased furniture for the recreation room that we are creating. We purchased an additional book shelf and a table and 4 chairs so that we can play board games. For the time being David is using the table area of the recreation room as a temporary office space. The recreation room is almost complete, we are still wanting to purchase bean bags and some art work for the walls. It feels good to be making progress on finishing up the room.

Jacob Arron Nunn arrived this morning. He is 6 pounds, 12 oz and 19 inches long. I kind of wish I could be there to help Kim since Daniel is deployed but it is probably better that I can not be there right now.

Also-- from the ruins of the fire, smoke and water damage THE APPLE LIVES. David had pulled a few machines out of his office hoping to be able to salvage parts from them. To our surprise when he turned on his Apple a log in screen appeared. He was able to log in and it appears that no data is lost and the machine is working properly. WOW. We never thought it would work.

Happy New Year (I hope)

So today is the first day of 2010. I really hope that this year will be better than the last. We spent the day traveling home from Gatlinburg. Traffic was not too bad and we were home early in the afternoon.

We decided to go to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. It really scares me about how upset I can get over simple comments people make. One of the servers said, "you make such beautiful babies." I know innocent comments like that should not get to me but they do. I love Madilyn and I am so blessed to have her as my daughter. Yes, she is beautiful on the outside, and with David and I as her parents she will grow up to be beautiful on the inside also. The comment the server made just hurt because I would really love to know what a baby girl "made" by David and I would look like. I will never find out and that hurts. You would think that I would be doing better by now emotionally but I am not. If I am not busy I am over whelmed with grief and sorrow. I really feel like I have to keep busy or I will go nuts.

People keep saying it takes time-- how much time does it take? People keep saying God has a plan-- When will we realize the plan?