Wilderness at the Smokies- Day 3

We decided to do breakfast again at the Thirsty Miner since it was pretty decent. After breakfast we headed to the water park. I had thought that Caleb may be done with the water but he and Madilyn both were ready for more fun in the water. We had thought about going to Gatlinburg for the day but it was sleeting and cold so we just stayed at the resort, which seemed to be fine with everyone.

We did venture of for dinner at a local Mexican Restaurant. The food was pretty good, but the service was a little slow. Guess everyone was busy because of the holiday.

Caleb was going to attend the New Year Eve Water Park Party but after being there for about 30 minutes he came back to the room. He said, "Someone is going to die in there." Apparently the party was a big success and everyone at the resort decided to attend. At least he had sense enough to come back to the room. So he rang in the New Year by watching "Band of Brothers." David and I showed our age by being in bed by 10:30. Of course sleep did not come easily because the resort passed out noise makers earlier in the day and people kept walking up and down the halls making noise with the darn things.

At mid-night Madilyn woke up screaming because she had been awaken by all of the yelling and people in the halls with noise makers yelling "Happy New Year." It took about 30 minutes to get her back to sleep. Thankfully the noise in the halls died down by about 12:30 and we were all able to get back to sleep.

Day 2 at "Wilderness at the Smokies"

We had a great day today. Because we were all too lazy to get cleaned up and ready to leave the lodge we decided we would just have breakfast at the "Thirsty Miner." After the dinner we had there last night we were not expecting the breakfast to be very good. We were very surprised that the breakfast was good.

After breakfast we went to the water park and enjoyed the morning. Madilyn and Caleb both enjoyed our time spent at the water park. Of course, Madilyn had to take time out for a nap so that she could be pleasant this evening.

This afternoon we went to the outlet mall. We mostly went to the baby outlets to buy Madilyn a few new outfits, but we did make it into Lids and a few other stores.

Our highlight of the day was having dinner with our very dear friends Cheryl and Joe Manis. We have known them for about 18 years and have so much in common. We had dinner at the "Applewood Farmhouse Grill." The food was wonderful, but the company was even better. We enjoyed spending time with Joe and Cheryl and their wonderful children. After dinner we all came back to the lodge to just hang out and spend time together. I really wish we could see them more often.

Got out of dodge

We have had a rough November and December so we decided to get out of dodge and take a spontaneous vacation. We ended up at "Wilderness of the Smokies Lodge" in the Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area of Tennessee. A friend told us about the lodge and the 60,000 square foot indoor water park that sports a year round temperature of 84 degrees. We thought that it would be a blast for Caleb and a way for David and I to relax some. We were able to book a suite with a living area, kitchen and a very large bedroom. The bedroom itself sleeps 6 and the living area sleeps 4 so there is plenty of space for a large family here.

We checked in around 4 and were at the water park by 4:30. Both Madilyn and Caleb had a blast. The toddler area features a large wading pool, swings, and a small 2 lane slide. Madilyn loved going down the slide and landing in the water. She also enjoyed being in the large wave pool with mommy and daddy- however the waves were a little on the rough side.

Caleb had a blast on the 4 big kid water slides. David and I even took a couple of turns going down the slides. I am sure that Caleb will want to spend all day tomorrow here at the water park and I am good with that.

We had dinner at one of the resort restaurants "The Thirsty Miner." We were not impressed with the food, so we will probably plan on having most of our meals in town.

Today was a great day with the family, hopefully the next couple of days will be just as good.

WHAT NEXT!!!

I am starting to feel like Job. I don't know how much more that I can take. So we lost a baby, then the roof has a leak, a storm took out the gazebo and now...... David's new office space was part of the Great Downtown Canton Fire of 2009. Most of his damage is due to water, but water and electronics are not a good mix. Everything in the building is lost.

Every window in the place is gone, the back wall of the bathroom was torn out so the fire fighters could get to the building next door. We have been working so hard on getting the place ready for a new business launch in a few months. The work at the office space had helped to take my mind off of loosing the baby. The owner is 91, we don't know if he will want to do the necessary repairs or if he will just let it go. Repairs will take months. So now we just have to wait and see what will happen.

Everyone keeps saying "God has a plan." Well I wish God would let me in on the plan.

Christmas Day

Back in September when David and I planned to stay home for the holidays we had no idea we were expecting. When we found out we were going to be having a baby, we thought it's good we planned on staying home for the holidays. With our loss I am so thankful that the plans to stay home were already in place. I don't think I could have done Christmas with extended family this year, especially since several family members are expecting and our loss is so recent.

David, Caleb, Madilyn and I had a great Christmas with just the four of us. It was just a day of peace, quiet and relaxing. The kids enjoyed their gifts and we had a nice Christmas dinner. It was nice to be able to be in our own home for the holiday. While David and I love our extended families sometimes we just need to take a break and focus on just us with no other distractions.

David and I are both sick, but we are making the most out of spending time with the kids.

Christmas Eve.

Overall today was pretty good. I hate that my day can be trucking along and something simple can make me loose it. This afternoon as we left for the Christmas Eve service we checked the mail. There was a card in the mail that was meant to be encouraging and uplifting, but it just hit me the wrong way. All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and cry-- not go to church.

The service was alright. I could not concentrate because I was overcome with grief. It's been a month. When will it get easier? I just hate that I am so weak. People keep telling me how strong I am if they only knew how weak I really am they would be surprised. But as they say "Life must go on."

We let Caleb and Madilyn open 1 gift each tonight. Caleb opened an I-Tunes card, so he and David spent the evening shopping on I-tunes. Madilyn opened up an ABC Caterpillar. She loved it.

If I don't cough a lung out tonight things might be alright. I can not stand being sick, especially during the holidays.

Kids Rooms Painted

Well we were able to get both Caleb's and Madilyn's room painted in 2 days. Now we just need to find time to do the rec room. Maybe shortly after Christmas. I really would like my garage back.

House Stuff

Well we were considering buying a new house but have decided to stay put since we no longer need the extra space. But we are reorganizing to make better use of space and doing some painting. Yesterday, we finished moving David out of the current home office space, and painted the room. Today we will be moving Caleb into that room.

Yesterday we also spent sometime getting Madilyn's room ready to paint. Her walls are a horrible mess. One of our former foster kids put a lot of nail holes in the walls, and somehow got them really dirty. Madilyn's arrival was so unexpected that we did not have time to paint the room. Well 18 months later we are finally getting around to it.

Caleb's former room will be painted and become a playroom with video games, air hockey and other family fun stuff. YIPPEE--- we will get our garage back. Our currently play area is in the garage and is not usable during summer and winter. I hate parking in the driveway, especially on rainy days and freezing cold days.

In Spring we plan to paint the downstairs.

Doing Better

I am doing a little better, but still not back to 100%. Guess it will take a while. School is out for two weeks. I am just hoping that I can fill my time so that I do not have time to dwell on life in general.

I am planning on working at David's new office space to help him get it painted and ready for his new business launch in a few months. I just have to be careful not to over do it.

Those that pray continue to pray, it has been and will continue to be a long road.

Another bad day

I had another bad day today. I just don't understand how people in my extended family can show more compassion to a person who is on TV than to their own family members. Several members of the family have not once said, "we are sorry," or "I'm praying for you," however, they post in public places that they are praying for someone from a television show. This baffles me, here I am in pain and they have continued to ignore the pain and have continued to not even acknowledge our loss.

A few family members have sent well wishes and cards and just knowing that they care and grieve with us has helped. It is the inconsiderate members of the family that make me wonder what I have ever done to deserve no concern from them during this time.

I just really do not think that many people realize that the loss of a child prior to birth is very hard. I lost a baby that I loved, not a glob of tissue. While the baby was not born, it was still a baby that was loved very much and had a soul. Just because I never held the baby in my arms does not make the loss any easier. I will never forget having to sign the paper at the hospital disposing of the baby. It said, "Mother's name Donna J. Lloyd, and "Babies Name = Unnamed Baby Lloyd."

I am fighting to stay sane. I am fighting to continue to be a good mom. I am trying to overcome these emotions. It is just hard.

Christmas Letters BITE

So today I sat down to work on our Christmas Cards and our annual Christmas letter. After struggling for a while I decided that Christmas letters bite. People don't want to read about the pain we are in, they don't want to read my rambling and bragging about my kids. I pride myself on being an honest person. So in my efforts to not make Christmas sad for others, I decided to put away the fancy paper I bought and just sent cards with our names signed at the bottom.

Here's the update:

• Madilyn's Adoption became final
• I completed my Master's Degree
• Caleb is doing well in school
• David is doing well in work
• We are mourning the loss of our unborn child

Hope you have a Merry Christmas. Yes, we have a lot to be grateful for, but we also have a lot to be sad about and mourn.

Date Night

Its been a while since David and I have been able to go out on a date due to no sitter, illness and just being busy. Our sitter has gone back to school and we have not been able to find a new person to watch Madilyn. In addition to this I have not felt well since September. After having a great weekend with the kids I decided that we needed to have a night with just the two of us. We needed to just stop with our busy life, and make time to have a little time to ourselves.

I talked to a few teachers and found a sitter, so I picked a date and asked David to clear his schedule. A few weeks ago I won a gift certificate to Bokita's. We decided that we would try it out. The place was wonderful. We had great service, food and wine. It was great to have dinner with just the two of us.

I love that my husband supports me and understands my pain. My problem has been that in this whole thing I have not truly stopped long enough to understand that he is in just as much pain as I am in. I feel so guilty for not seeing this and not being there for him. I will get better, emotionally it will just take time.

Those of you who read this please continue to pray for us. Pray that our marriage will stay strong, and that we will both heal emotionally.

Tennessee Aquarium

We spent last night in downtown Chattanooga and then hit up the Tennessee Aquarium this morning. We had a great time. There were very few visitors to the aquarium. We were able to let Madilyn out of her stroller, so she was able to walk around and look at the stuff she wanted to look at. She loved the penguins and otters she was so excited watching them. She was so cute to watch. We all enjoyed the day.

It was nice to have a few good days in a row.

Rock City

We have been wanting to go to Rock City for a few weeks, and we finally decided to go today. I woke up feeling horrible with crud coming out of my eyes and coughing. I went to the walk in clinic and got some meds, and then we were on our way.

The goal was to visit the Garden of Enchanted Lights and get a photo for our Christmas card. That plan did not work out. Madilyn was a little grouchy and did not want to smile and pose for the photo. A second goal of the trip was to get a picture of Madilyn with Santa. That went over like a lead balloon. She pitched a fit and wanted nothing to do with jolly old Saint.

Even though we did not get the photos I wanted, we still had a good time at Rock City.

Alone

I feel so alone.... No one really understands how I feel and what I am going through. Its like I am suppose to just get happy and move on with life. No time for sorrow and sadness in this busy world. I just wish the pain and hurt would go away. I am trying to move on with life but find that to be such a difficult task.